Vulnerable Adults and Grooming
We get calls every month, sometimes as many as three or four, from frantic parents of adult children with learning difficulties.
They are not hysterical parents worried about losing control of their offspring as they grow up an leave the nest. When our children leave home it’s hard.
They are parents who fear their children are being groomed by unscrupulous individuals, and they are often right!
If those of us who’ve been sexually groomed get tired of the ‘it’s just a broken relationship, let it go’ rhetoric, those of us who’ve been stalked get tired of the ‘stop worrying, you’re imagining it’ and those of us in abusive relationships hear ‘he’d only hit me once, I’m telling you'/why didn’t they just leave?’, these poor parents get lectures on their adult children’s rights to make mistakes, have sexual relationships and make friends outside of the home.
And yes, that’s as it should be. We have to allow our children independence and encourage them to stand on their own two feet.
These are parents who have watched their children excluded, bullied, pathologised, tested, labelled and more, and who have often been blamed for their child’s condition.
By the time their children have made it to young adulthood, they deserve medals - the teenage years are hard enough to parent without any added pressures. They also need listening to.
I am EXTREMELY concerned about young adults with learning disabilities, ‘naivety’, mental health issues. No-one is immune from grooming - someone even tried to fool Richard Branson in an ornate scam. This ‘cohort’ is twice as vulnerable.
Groomers play on what we want - which means we all, unless we are dead, have a vulnerability. From the successful actor who wants that next big role to the just graduated looking for a career, from people looking for love to people looking for a little more excitement in life, from wanting to keep our loved ones safe to wanting to play games online, we all have hopes, dreams, wishes, wants that groomers can exploit. For already vulnerable adults, having someone who understands them, who values them as they are, who promises them more….. it’s easy to see how easy it is to fall for when they’ve often faced exclusion, derision or pity.
Signs of being groomed that parents come to us with include:
suddenly moving away with no job to go to and/or not willing to give their new address to their parents
limited access to their phones, or access only when the suspected groomer accompanies them
calling only when their new ‘friend’ isn’t around
money going from bank accounts/asking for extra money
not turning up at work when they’re normally reliable and enjoying it
leaving life saving medications behind
We don’t keep records here except our own notes to help us manage calls, so I have no solid data. I’ve also been unable to get any help from the various charities concerned with autism/learning difficulties/mental health. I’ve lost track of the hours I’ve spent on on ‘please hold’ calls. And I’ve had it made very clear to me that the fight for the right for people with learning difficulties to have private lives, love lives, weddings etc has been hard won. Quite rightly.
Surely part of that right is the right not to be abused, to have a healthy relationship? To have someone looking out for them?
If I’m frustrated, how must the parents feel? I spend hours each day online researching for campaigns, articles, answers to problems in both my day job and as a CAAGe campaigner. Others don’t have the same ability, skill, resources or understanding of the web. If the information is out there to help them, I can’t find it.
So I’m putting down in writing what I CAN suggest, and am putting it ‘out there’ because I know it’s not enough. I would love nothing more than someone to add to this, to tell me I’m wrong, that there’s lots of help available. Or to step up and work with us at CAAGe to try and find solutions.
This week is Learning Disability Week. It’s the Week to end stigmas, to show what people with learning difficulties are capable of. And I’m in there, rooting for inclusion. The more young adults are confident and capable, the less vulnerable they will be to grooming. In a joy fest of achievement, it feels wrong raising what could be seen as a limitation. It’s not. In fact when it comes to some kinds of grooming, having a statemented disability can give you a positive boost on the help front:
Some of the actions we discuss with concerned parents:
Take a deep breath before you start. Always bear in mind that your adult child has a right to make mistakes (see above) and that your suspicions may prove unfounded (which is the best result, after all!) You being exhausted and stressed may lead to rushed or poor decisions. Self care right now is as important as getting your child out of this situation.
Talk to your adult child about what’s happening, how things are different for them, if they need any help. The unspeakable truth about grooming is that it feels good/great to begin with. They have a new friend/partner/confidante, someone who seems to care about them or wants them to achieve their dreams. It’s an early phase of grooming and the target of the grooming won’t see a problem. Nag them and you’ll become the problem. Usuaslly, the best thing you can do is keep communication open, and let them know they can always come back to you or to the safe accommodation that they’ve left.
If you can’t get in touch with them, and this is out of the ordinary, file a missing persons report.
Find out as much as you can about the suspected groomer - name or names, age, jobs, Facebook/social media pictures so you know what they look like. This may reassure you or give you a sense of what they are like. Who are they friends with? What do they post? Are they who and where they say they are?
Ask your child to come for a meal/drink with you - WITH their suspected groomer. The very worst groomers really won’t want to do that, and whilst it’s not infallible, your may find your fears reduced or removed. At very least have made clear to your child that they are welcome with you - the best way to help them when they really need it.
If they’ve walked out of sheltered accommodation or their own home, talk to the people responsible for that accommodation. If they can have your child back later, great, but if they’re not coming back/don’t seem to be, help collect their belongings and end any financial contracts. We have seen vulnerable adults leave and rack up huge debts in unpaid rent - not fair on them, the landlords or the parents.
Police ‘safe and well’ checks. In our experience, local police forces are very willing to undertake safety checks on individuals, especially where the ‘victim’ is someone with learning difficulties. However, delivery of this is sometimes patchy and we’ve experienced police officers interviewing the victim with the suspected groomer in the same room. It never hurts to remind them that you believe the victim is under duress so interviewing them with the other person in the room isn’t always appropriate. But in general they are professional and handle this well, in a friendly, non-aggressive manner, unlikely to worsen the situation.
If there is money going missing, try and bring in the police/Action Fraud. You will need to have evidence of the money going and how this wasn’t the case before this individual came into your adult child’s life. You will need to be able to explain their difficulty, backed up with any paperwork etc beforehand to prove vulnerability. The police may seem to be reluctant to investigate if your adult child has moved out of area, but insist. Officers are stretched to the limit, so you’ll need to make clear how important this is, and provide them with as much information and proof as you can. Make it easy for them to help you by remaining calm and polite, even if inside you feel like screaming.
Other avenues to consider are:
involving the workplace if the suspected groomer works/has worked alongside your child
calling in a private detective to find out what is happening (We can help with a recommendation at CAAGe)
